Lessons Learned
A few of you may have heard this metaphor recently in one of my mindfulness or meditation group classes. I find it quite insightful and wanted to pass it along to everyone else.
I was recently attending a leadership workshop that my company held for the managers in my department. The speaker was discussing different leadership styles and related a story about a leadership style in another culture to help make a point he was trying to drive home. Of course, when I hear things like this, I find myself extrapolating on the concept presented to areas of self awareness and meditation (as is my habit). What’s perhaps most unfortunate is that I cannot recall at all what point the speaker himself was trying to make.
I’ll present the story as best as I can remember it. The story revolved around certain etiquette in business situations in Japanese culture. He described that when a manager in a company had exercised poor judgment and created a significant problem for the company or team, a meeting would be held after the issue had been resolved. All of the company leaders would attend the meeting and the manager who had caused the problem would get up and speak. The manager would speak about the issue, express their sorrow for having exercised the poor judgment then would share with everyone what they had learned from the experience and how to prevent the issue from happening again. Once the manager had finished, tea would be served and everyone would drink. From that moment forward, it was considered extremely poor etiquette for anyone to ever raise the issue ever again.
Now, of course, it would be wonderful if we could show such etiquette towards our colleagues in our own society. But where I found this story most powerful was not in how we should forgive others, but more how we fail to forgive ourselves for our own previous mistakes.
So often we will reflect back on difficult times in our lives and rehash all the guilt and remorse around the situation that occurred afterwards. What we are so seldom to do is forgive ourselves for our past mistakes. What we often fail to grasp is that at that point in time we thought our actions were correct or appropriate, as I’m sure the manager in the story above may have felt. And what we may neglect to do is to look at what we learned from the experience, hold a formal lessons-learned session, as it’s often called in the corporate world, with ourselves. Express remorse with ourselves, take in what we learned and move ourselves forward, never to raise the issue ever again.
Getting Un-Stuck
As we enter spring, it’s not uncommon to notice that we are spending more time on self reflection than usual. For many of us, just a few months ago with the holiday season and movement into the new year, we find that we went through a similar exercise. Perhaps you made a few resolutions with the new year and worked to follow though with them. You may have found that the resolutions did not yeild what you hoped, so they were dropped. Oftentimes too, we find that we have settled back into familar routines. Now the world reminds us of it’s ever changing nature… the days are getting longer and the colors of spring are popping up in the most unlikely of places. The world is changing, but are we?
So as the signs of the seasons changing are presented before us in so much glory, we may find may seem that our lives have become a bit routine (and our outlook is not on display with as much glory as we would like). As always, we have choices in front of us… drastic change or subtle? Drastic changes of course take much consideration and perhaps the change we look for is just considering the drastic change itself.
As one who often seeks change, here are some suggestions of subtle changes you can exercise to ride the flow of nature’s changes happening around us:
1. Change your routes. Drive a different route to work or some other place you frequently travel. By driving the same route day after day, you begin to take your surroundings for granted and fail to notice the subtle changes taking place all the time. A new route can draw your attention to your new surroundings and make you more aware of where you are instead of driving around on autopilot.
2. Take time to try something you’ve never tried before, but have always been intersted in. You never know, it could have such an impact on your life that it changes you in ways you never dreamed possible. For example, perhaps you’ve always been interested in yoga, but have been too intimidated to take a class or just never given yourself the permission to take the time and attend a class. Once you take the class, you may find that it rejuvenates you in ways you didn’t know possible. After consistant practice, you may find that you sleep better, feel better and you can’t imagine what your life would be like without it.
3. Volunteer your time. Finding ways to help others will shift you more than any other activity. And we ALL have something to give. Be in it money, time or just a smile and a kind word to someone in need.
Prayer Flags
“Better than a thousand hollow words
Is one word that brings peace”
>From “The Thousands”, The Dhammapada The Sayings of The Buddha
One of my favorite spiritual traditions is the use of prayer flags in Tibetan Buddhism. Prayer flags are often hung along mountain ridges and peaks in the Himalayas with the intent of blessing the country side.
“Traditionally, prayer flags are used to promote peace, compassion, strength, and wisdom. The flags do not carry prayers to ‘gods,’ a common misconception, rather the Tibetans believe the prayers and mantras will be blown by the wind to spread the good will and compassion into all pervading space. Therefore, prayer flags are thought to bring benefit to all. As wind passes over the surface of the flags which are sensitive to the slightest movement of the wind, the air is purified and sanctified by the Mantras. The prayers of a flag become a permanent part of the universe as the images fade from exposure to the elements. Just as life moves on and is replaced by new life, Tibetans renew their hopes for the world by continually mounting new flags alongside the old. This act symbolizes a welcoming of life changes and an acknowledgment that all beings are part of a greater ongoing cycle.”
A few years back, a movie was released called “What the Bleep Do We Know” which presented many new and exciting concepts linking Quantum Physics and spirituality. And while the movie was overloaded with incredible information, there was one section which stood out to almost everyone I spoke with. That section was an exploration of the impact of exposing various words to frozen water and examining how differently the water, in the form of ice crystals, reacted. From the book, “The Hidden Messages In Water” by Masaru Emoto, “We found that water from clear springs and water that has been exposed to loving words shows brilliant complex and colorful snowflake patters. In contrast, polluted water, or water exposed to negative thoughts, forms incomplete asymmetrical patterns with dull colors.” If you have time, I highly recommend seeing these pictures for yourself, they’re beautiful.
As the movie points out, if thoughts can do that to water, imagine what our thoughts can do to us.
While the above examples show the impact by and to the elements wind and water, we can see samples of this around us everyday. Like water, the most obvious example is to watch how your body reacts to various circumstances in life. During a stressful day at the office we may find that our muscles are tight and constricted. When we are happy, laughing and acting silly with good friends, our bodies are relaxed and content. During an argument with a loved one we may feel exceedingly tense and nauseous. Our states of mind and our bodily actions and reactions are inherently linked together. Have you ever tried to hold a yoga pose when you were angry or extremely agitated? More than likely, until your mind calmed down, you had a difficult time holding your balance in that pose for any significant length of time.
Similar to sending prayers though the wind, have you ever had the experience of smiling at an infant and watching their face light up and smile back to you in complete innocence? Or exchanging a genuine smile with no hidden context with an absolute stranger you pass on the sidewalk? Silently passing along a message of good will and compassion just with a look of the eyes and a smile. Two beings of light, passing one another on the path of life and inwardly wishing one another “safe journeys”.
Recently I was in an airport when I came across some very happy little boxes of sour candy in a gift store. On the side of the box were a collection of 12 “Happy Tips”. These tips included such things as: “Compliment three people everyday”, “Always smile” and “It’s more important to be happy than to be right”.
Now while the (anonymous) maker of this fine candy could have come up with some slick or sexy marketing campaign, they instead took a sweeter path (pun intended) with an intent of bringing more sweetness to the world. They selflessly, and probably with little effort on their part, created a mechanism for spreading more light into the world.
We often don’t believe we can make a difference unless we can create dramatic changes in the world. What we fail to realize is sometimes just a little smile with another human being can create a dramatic change in their day, in their universe.
The packaging also stated that it would “add sparkle to my day”. This they got right… It’s some of the sweetest (and most sour) candy I’ve ever tasted. And I smile each time I put one in my mouth.
Memorial Day
“It is only the dead who have seen the end of war”
Plato
By chance I had the good fortune of catching what I found to be an amazing interview on the radio Memorial Day weekend. Terry Gross of Fresh Air on NPR (National Public Radio) was interviewing the writer of a book which detailed his experiences as a commander of a unit in Iraq in 2003. The interview captured my attention as, when listening to it, you can feel the gentleness of this man’s character come through. Gentleness inwardly during a time of external chaos is something I find fascinating and encouraging.
It encouraged me to see that even in the depths of pure chaos of the external world, the resilient heart can sustain. And what was more encouraging was that same heart could emerge from such a situation, perhaps a bit battered, bruised and bandaged, and use that experience to bring more light to the world for others.
Now, as you may imagine, I am not someone who advocates war, my goal is to bring more peace to the world by teaching others how to find inner peace and better deal with the ongoing wars that come about in our heads with our thoughts. However, I have come to accept that war is a condition of man in this world (as Plato so prolifically states above) and I have tremendous respect for the character it takes to put oneself in harm’s way for the benefit of others, regardless of the underlying politics.
What I loved most about the interview was that the author so clearly captures the states of mind he was forced to encounter. He discusses the situations he was up against and the many struggles he endured mentally to always do the right thing; to the point that he inwardly resigned himself to death in order to focus on the care of his men. He states “to be a good combat leader, you have to have absolutely no concern for your own safety. You can’t think of home, you can’t miss your wife, you can’t wonder how it would feel to take a round through the neck. You can only pretend that you’re already dead to free yourself up to focus.” He discusses with the interviewer that he found taking this attitude of already being dead to be “liberating”. Liberating in terms of freeing himself from the fear of any physical harm he may encounter himself and, as such, allowing him to focus completely on the welfare of his men; of others.
The author concludes the interview discussing his transition back into the civilian world and the true gratitude he has for being in this country; a gratitude you can clearly feel in his voice. I also believe he is fortunate to possess a perspective that often gets thrown around, but that I don’t think most people can take to heart. He states, “Every time I’m having a rough day or difficult time, I calm down and asks myself: Am I being shot at? Is anyone going to be wounded as a result of what has gone wrong today? Is this life or death or is this something that will fade in time? And if it’s not life and death, and my family has their health, and if my wife and daughter are doing well and my friends are in good shape.. I don’t have very much to complain about”.
This man has a genuine perspective on life I know I can learn from.
You can hear this interview yourself by going to the NPR website: http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=13&prgDate=05-25-2009&view=storyview
Independence Day
“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.”
Nelson Mandela
A friend related this wonderful story to me recently and I wanted to share it with you.
The Wolves Inside You
An elder Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”
“This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too”, he added.
The Grandchildren thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied… “The one you feed.”
The point of this story is pretty evident. Look at how you feed your wolves and realize that you have the power at every moment to choose which one you feed.
A few ideas on how to feed the wolf of joy:
- Force yourself to smile. It may sound silly, but try this little exercise however often you can and see how long you can keep smiling regardless of the circumstances. Monitor your mood while you’re doing this. Notice anything?
- When you realize you’re focused on negative thoughts, switch them around to the happiest thoughts you can think of and dwell on those until you feel your mood lighten
- Create and repeat an affirmation mantra as often as you can for as long as you can. Here are some samples: “I’m at peace and full of joy” or “I am happy” or “There is beauty in everything”
- Create a playlist or CD of your favorite uplifting music and listen to it when you’re going through a rough time.
- “Dance as if no one is watching”
- this was a reprint from my July 2008 Newsletter
Peace
“We live in a world intoxicated by power and wealth. We have countries struggling against each other, nations taking advantage of weaker nations, men and women being killed, wounded and uprooted by war.
With all that we’ve accomplished through history, we have yet to master peace. It is easier for most people to fight fire with fire, hatred with hatred, and injustice with vengance.
There comes a time in everyone’s life when he has to take a good look at himself and stop pointing the finger. We have to make an effort to be kind to others, even toward those we don’t know. It is through selfless acts that we inspire change.
When a man is down, help him up.
When you pass a stranger in the street, share a smile.
When a person is in need, lend a helping hand.
Build your foundation upon faith. In life, there will be setbacks. There will be challenges, there will be obstacles. Sometimes you may feel as if your obstacles are insurmountable. These are times you must be strong.
If you experience prejudice or injustice, keep your head up and your heart open. Bitterness will only weaken you. Don’t let anger consume you. Never let resentment into your heart – it will only weigh you down.”
-Muhammad Ali From “The Soul of a Butterfly”
New York, Simon & Schuster, 2004
“Peace on earth
Peace on earth
Peace on earth”
- U2
Reflections
Every year around this time as I peruse the news, I come across the various “Year In Review” articles and, in reading them, am often surprised by the number of events that transpired over the course of a year. With so much happening in our lives, it can be challenging to keep track of what all has happened over the course of a single year. It can all seem to run together.
While perusing these recaps we can tap in to the feelings and emotions that we experienced at the time that event actually took place and, in a way, re-experience the event. Through this, we can see that the moments that make up our year are timeless and we can reconnect to those moments at any time. We recall the feelings of loss and horror as we read about devastating earthquakes that took the lives of thousands of people. Similarly, we can relive joy and exhilaration such as what we may have felt when one of our favorite teams won a gold medal at the Olympics.
Reflection can be a tremendously beneficial activity. We learn from our past successes and failures and can come to make better decisions in our present circumstances. We recall the beauty we experienced throughout the year and it may foster feelings of gratitude and peace. Unfortunately, as we are constantly inundated with new experiences, input and information, we can quickly forget experiences that had a profound impact on us and what they meant to us at the time. This amnesia can happen in as little as a few days or even hours.
Reflection can also provide us a sense of perspective. Time affords us the opportunity to have an experience integrate into our consciousness and can grant us perspective to comprehend how it may have benefited or harmed us compared to the whole of our lives.
As most of you have attended at least one of my classes, I’d like you to reflect upon what your experience was during the class or classes you attended; be it good, bad or indifferent. As I recall, there were many, many beautiful and profound moments experienced by the participants in the classes this year. And, in case you forgot, I’d like to recapitulate a few of the ones that some of you expressed now because I certainly didn’t forget them. If, in your reflection, you recall your experience was indifferent or not what you had hoped, then I ask you to please go try another class offered through another group or facility; learn another technique and philosophy. As I state in my introductory classes, meditation is too important and beneficial for you to base all of your judgments on my presentation.
- The many looks of recognition upon hearing about equating the feeling of meditation to the feeling one has when ‘stopping’ to look at a sunset. At that time, nothing else matters, everything ceases; it’s just you and the sunset.
- One person described the sensation after the first meditation as feeling ‘settled’. They had been visiting town for an extended stay and it was the first time they had felt that way since arriving in the city.
- I recall one person whose eyes opened so wide upon touching their heart chakra, I thought their face was going to burst. As they explained later, at that moment, all thought had stopped and their mind remained still for a long while afterwards. Just moments before, their mind had been racing frantically. It was a sensation they had never experienced before.
- The numerous people who had hidden tears when I asked for feedback on their experience with meditating on their heart.
- Simultaneous looks of horror and looks of delight upon putting on some fast paced techno music as meditation music.
- Hearing stories from participants in the mindfulness classes regarding moments of stillness and feelings of being fully present experienced in day to day life when they had remembered to put mindfulness into play in the most unassuming situations.
- The looks of contentment on so many faces eyes after a group meditation.
- Descriptions of the seconds or milliseconds of peace experienced during a meditation.
- A description of how one homework exercise in the mindfulness class had completely shifted one person out of a negative state they had been in. It allowed them the chance to get some perspective of their lives and saw new opportunities to make some beneficial changes.
- A comment from one person that when they walked outside during a break, everything seemed to “sparkle” after having meditated.
- The looks of skepticism when told that washing dishes could be a joyful and adventuresome experience.
If you recognize one of these experiences as your own, please realize that one moment, and all of these moments, are still alive. They’re out there for you reach out, grasp and experience once again. Let them transform you now, just as they may have transformed you back then. Just take the time and effort to go visit them, I sure do. Then, take the next best step… go make some new moments in meditation and mindfulness then come back and share those moments.
“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away”.
- Henry David Thoreau
Good Luck? Bad Luck? Who Knows?
Once there was a farmer who had a stallion workhorse. The horse worked hard and was always helping the farmer with the plowing and transporting goods. But one day the horse disappeared! Upon hearing this, the farmer´s neighbors said, “Oh, what bad luck, what bad luck!”The farmer only replied with “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”
After a few days the stallion returned, bringing with him seven wild mares. Then the farmer´s neighbors exclaimed “Oh, what good luck, what good luck!” And again the farmer only answered “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”
Then the farmer´s son was trying to train the new wild horses, and he fell off one, breaking both of his legs. The neighbors exclaimed “Oh, what a bad luck, what a bad luck” The farmer simply said “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”
Shortly after that, the army general of the province came and drafted all able-bodied men to fight in a war in a distant province. The farmer´s son was not drafted. Good luck, bad luck, who knows? ….
You may have seen this story before, it’s one of my favorites. Stories such as this can remind us to examine our perceptions to the events that unfold around us. How much energy and time have we spent categorizing and judging life’s experiences, dwelling on possible outcomes and setting our expectations only to see things turn out completely different than what we had imagined? In fact, how many times have things turned out just as we had imagined they would?
Heeding the example of the famer in the story, the next time you find yourself if a similar situation such as this, try standing back, allow life to unfold while trying not to judge or categorize, and you may be surprised at how things turn out and how calm your mind can remain through it all.
